No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
