Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
