First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
