wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
