i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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