she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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