Please, let me fuck your mom
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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