Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
