Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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