Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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