i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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