just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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