mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
