i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
