dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
