i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
