I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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