John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
