I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
