a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize