did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
