How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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