Barsexuality is the new black.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
