she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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