nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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