I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
