I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
