I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
