I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
