worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
