I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
