he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
