Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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