He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
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doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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