Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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