Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
