I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
