I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
