I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
