i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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