I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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