I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
