Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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