she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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