the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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