I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
