We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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