I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
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I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize