Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
