did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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