the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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