I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
