I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
