I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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