how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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