I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
