I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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