So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
